you.

Out of all people, why did I pick you? For some reason it's almost become (that I can bring myself to think of) a daily thing to think about you... Or rather us, our past maybe even;

They say you could be an example of the worst person to have any relations with, but to justify any means of regret I pull it back by finding some kind of reason why you weren't. Then I proceed to kicking myself in the foot and asking was I right to let it end?

I ask myself daily, am I really who you say I've become? My planner sure has gotten busier

as per usual I digress.

So let's begin, from the beginning shall we?

You came into my life when it was at an all time high; I loved my social, I loved my travels, I loved acting the fool, what can I say... I was young.

There was a boy that I'd secretly liked; and another who I'd taken a liking to; one gave me mixed signals, and the other thought it'd be cool to play hot and cold; both. Didn't have the balls to tell me how they felt to my face.

So where did you come in? You were my behind the scenes comfort zone, the silly innuendic comments to the heart-warming prep talks, even the random stupid-o-clock phonecalls.

You were outgoing

You were funny

You were sensitive

Unlike the others... you knew what you wanted.

Thinks was sweet for a while, it was a good break from all the other seriousness around me, yes I took it all for a joke, you just weren't that kinda person. To my surprise things began getting serious...

Then things turned sour;

the boy I secretly liked and inevitably truly cared for didn't want to be any part of my life; because of you.

the amazing, you could almost say one of, best friend stopped talking to me; because of you.

another friend who I felt I could turn to in times of need turned his back on me too; because of you.

But I was willing to overlook it all in hope you could be better to me and mean more to me than they ever will. Now I'm not saying you wasn't and you didn't. We shared some amazing experiences and leapt over barriers I've never thought I'd accomplish, when it was in your intentions you tried to make things everything I'd ever dreamed...

But it always seemed so hyperreal to me. Because they were things I had dreamed, was it even dreamed? I know I can't call you a psychic, but if you really had enough interest surly you could have interpreted your own thoughts and ideas into 'us'... again, I'm not saying you didn't, but anytime I can remember when you did, all i got was :

I was gonna ........................

which was amazing; sadly it was more than often followed by a

BUT!.................................

Sometimes, I do miss you, and your goofyness.

Sometimes, I think about regretting things.

More than often, I think about what I'd "lost"

But then I ask myself, was it such a bad thing?

27th April 2007 "I would have stayed if you had asked me to" x